Thursday, March 01, 2007

Not Myself by John Mayer

"I miss the you before we had our baby."

My husband said that to me a few months ago. He may still be thinking the same thing right now.

I never responded because I didn't know how to take it.

At first, I was puzzled. What was JP talking about, he misses the me I was before our boy was born? But as his comment suspended there between us -- noses nuzzled together -- and as it began to echo in that small canyon created by us, I knew what he meant. I was (am?) an anxious new mom. Sleep deprivation has made me impatient, snippy, cranky. Essentially, I'm just not as much fun as I used to be. Who has time for fun? I'm not the light-hearted girl he met in high school. How could I be? I have a tiny person depending on me for everything for the first time in my life. Life as I knew it has disappeared.

Then I was angry. JP didn't have to miss me. He could join me in this new world of parenthood, ya know. He could help out the way he did in the first couple of weeks, as he did when we were settling in. And could I help it if my hormones were going up and down like a pogo stick? That some part of my body was always sore? Was he accusing our baby of taking me away from him? How insensitive. It's not like we didn't know our boy was on the way. JP knew we were going to become parents and things would change. He's JP's baby too.

But I never said anything.

Now that it's been a few months since that comment, some areas of parenthood have improved. We sort of know who our baby is now. We know what to expect from the day-to-day. If a crisis pops up, we can (usually) handle it without joining our baby in a meltdown. Humor helps on trying days, even if we have to force it.

I wonder if JP would still say the same thing these days. But I'm not brave enough to ask him because I don't really want to know the answer.

And because some days, I miss myself too.

This post is by Damselfly, who blogs about new mamahood at Growing a Life. Please see Cheese Party's post over there as part of the monthly Blog Exchange.

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13 comments:

MamaLee said...

I've heard the same words from my hubby. What an honest post - thanks for sharing!

Amy Jo said...

Those feelings are so familiar to me as well. My husband and I went away alone for the first time since our boy was born recently. At the end of our trip, he said something along the lines of how sad he was that the fun was over. In some ways, I was right there with him and in other ways I wanted to smack him upside the head.

nutmeg said...

Tell him you'll be back with a vengeance! This too will pass...

Guinevere Meadow said...

I wonder if my hubby thinks the same thing...

Nancy said...

Sadly, we moms are never the same once our children are born. But that doesn't have to be a bad thing - It's just different. It's been almost two years since my younger son was born and my husband and I are still adjusting and trying to find that special time to just be husband and wife. It will happen. Be patient, but be aggressive in making it happen.

Laura Lohr said...

This post rang so true with me. I have had those days, where I am sometimes a little jealous and resentful of my childless friends.

Trying to find that delicate balance of parenthood and marriage is tough at times.

Great job on a topic that resinates with so many of us new moms trying to find our place with our new roles.

soccer mom in denial said...

Thanks for your honesty. I find my husband wants the child-less vacations to last a little longer while I can't get back to the kids soon enough.

Mayberry said...

Oh yes. I miss that me too!

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Alex Elliot said...

Finding time to just be "us" is really hard. I love being a mom but sometimes I miss the "old me" too. Today I visited my single couin's amazing apartment in Chicago and listened to her talk about all the fun things she does. I was a little wistful. However, later that day when it came time to order pizza, I felt my "mom skills" come into play as I was able to clearly articulate what size pizzas, what kind, and how many to the group that was there.

Rose said...

When our daughter was maybe 5 or 6 months old my husband and I had a total giggle fit over something silly. As we settled down he turned to me and tenderly said "I've really missed you these last few months." It threw me for a loop, we'd been right there in the trenches together the whole time. After a moment I understood what he meant. I'm not 100% myself when I'm pregnant and when C was born I was on edge for a few more months.
I think he was just relieved to see me relax and let myself laugh again.

Jenn said...

I've thought that of me, to be sure, or at least acknowledged that there has been a lot of changes, but my husband knows better than to say it in the form of a complaint :P

Heather said...

No, we're not the same after we have kids. I think it's a good thing personally. My kids have changed me in so many positive ways. It just gets better. Different, but still good.

I think some men have a hard time with babies, but once the kids are 2 and really talking and showing their personalities, it gets easier for the men to relate to them.

My hubby and I went to Disneyworld for our 5th anniversary and we BOTH missed our kids, but we had a lot of fun too.