Tuesday, July 31, 2007


Sam, I wish I could look into your eyes and say to you things that you would understand. Things that you would remember. There is so much to express, and no real way of translating for you. Or anyone else for that matter. The kind of thing that is unspoken between two hearts. Still, I ache to find a way to transcribe, for posterity, what it is that makes our days together so very dear to me. Because they will so soon be over. Not gone, but fundamentally altered. Different in a way that will be, at times, both better and worse, happy and sad.

You have made me find joy in every moment of my life for the last 526 days. Even moments that were dark have a spark of something bright to them in my memory. There is a physical desire I carry with me at all times, just to be near you. To touch, kiss, smell you. I hold you so tightly to try and recreate a time when our physical bond was as real as the invisible ways we are connected today. But I know that parts of us will always be connected. We are from the same root, you and I, and nothing can ever change that.

The impending arrival of a new branch, my daughter, your sister, weighs as heavily on my mind as it does on my pelvis. It wears me down, both body and soul, with its daily reminders of our dwindling time. Every false contraction is like a ticking clock. The anticipation of the alarm going off distracts me. I shake my head and try to remain there with you, to fully enjoy the the look, the smile, the song. When you sleep at night, I want to sneak into your room just to extend the minutes and hours we spend together.

I know that when she comes, I will love her. I already do. And you eventually will, too. A few summers from now and the two of you will be thick as thieves. You'll teach her how to catch lightening bugs and play hide and seek, like every big brother should.

But you will always be first in my heart. When you are old, I will still call you my baby. When you are grown, I will still long to cradle you in my arms. When you cry, I will steal away with your tears. When you laugh, my heart will leap and dance.

You will always be first in my heart.

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susan said...

This leaves me teary-eyed and speechless. What a lucky little boy.

Arizaphale said...

OK You got me.

Amy Jo said...

Maybe I should put a disclaimer at the beginning of this one...

Warning: Hormonal ravings of a progesterone-soaked mind. Proceed at your own risk!

slouching mom said...

Lovely. So lovely.