Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Wall, I Have Hit It.

It seems, all of a sudden, that this pregnancy has caught up with me. Perhaps it's more of life catching up with me, but none the less all is not well in gestational land.


This past week has found me weeping uncontrollably, baking uncontrollably and yelling uncontrollably. I wish I could find some explanation other than fucking hormones, but it seems so random I can't seem to uncover another answer.

The weeping has been inspired by everything from not being able to get concert tickets to feeling unsupported in my maybe-possibly-thinking-about-trying-for-a-natural-childbirth idea to a smelly diaper pail.

The yelling has two main inspirations: Sam and Lucy. Mostly Sam. My son has become deaf, apparently, at least when it comes to listening to me. And he's gotten himself and his sister into some dicey situations that have pushed me over the edge, once in public even. The worst was when he ran away from me at the Y, and then encouraged his sister to do the same. Some stupid ass hole thought it would be a great idea to hold the door to the parking lot open for a pair of unaccompanied toddlers. When I finally caught up with them, he knew he had made a mistake, but Lulu was still reveling in her freedom, about three steps from the parking lot. I caught her, and then I turned on him. I'm not big on physical punishment, but at that moment all I wanted to do was beat his butt. Repeatedly. Instead I pulled them, probably a little too roughly, to the car and screamed and cried the entire drive home.

Then I made cookies. And seriously considered making a pie.

Every night my feet hurt and my back aches and my eyes burn. I don't sleep well and wake up almost as irritated as when I went to bed. The kids are edgy and anxious around me, and I don't think my husband has ever been so relieved to be on call as he was today. Then I overcompensate for being a crummy wife and mother by indulging them in to much tv, too many cookies, and as many trips to the playground and/or swimming pool as I can manage.

I don't know how to end this post other than with a wish that whatever hormone cascade is royally screwing with me completes its cycle so that I can get back to life as usual. For the sake of my family, if nothing else.

But if the urge to bake wants to hang around, I don't think anyone would mind. Pie makes for some tasty breakfast.

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3 comments:

Daniel said...

Sister, you best get yourslef some "State."

Arizaphale said...

Aaaahh you poor kid. I really feel for you. One toddler was challenging enough but two must be a real mindf***. Especially when they gang up on you like that. >:-(
Wish I could drop over and give you some 'down time'. Have you spoken to someone at the health food store about natural pregnancy safe remedies? Something like yam cream? It's good for hormonal stuff although I don't know whether you can use it in pregnancy. But don't underestimate what you're tackling on a day to day basis. Hard work when at your full strength, near crippling when dealing with the physical effects of pregnancy too.

Lora said...

I'm taking two birth control pills tonight.

And I fully support your natural childbirth. I went two days drug free (well, I had pitocin and cervadil, but still), and it hurt, but it was amazing to actually FEEL what it felt like when my baby was working to get all borned and shiz.

I ended up with drugs for the Csection, of course. But if I had to do it all again I would go natural.

You can do it.

It's your body/baby/decision