Wednesday, May 10, 2006

If You Break It, You Buy It

My emotional state of lately can be called, at best, fragile. At worst, shattered. I spent several years in therapy learning how to emotionally support myself, but as soon as Sam was born, I went back to my old ways, like a junkie who goes back to the smack. I have become, shall we say, needy to the extreme. I don't necessarily think that this is unusual for someone who has just had a baby, but it comes at a bad time. Dr. SOB is mired in work/moving stress and his own type of new baby stress and has been having trouble providing the immense amount of bolstering I need right now. Was it stupid of us to have a baby a few months before uprooting our lives? This is one of those things that we thought about before getting pregnant, we just didn't think it would be this tough. Some might say that maybe I'm not cut out for this whole motherhood dealie, but I would disagree. There are days where I am so content just watching my babe discover the world around him. Watching his sweet little face when he hears my voice is more than enough incentive to work through any of the tougher moments. But sometimes I sit on the kitchen floor and cry for an hour because Sammy won't go to sleep at night, and frequently I don't have Dr. SOB to help me get through those moments. He's out working an extra shift so we don't have to pay our rent on the credit card. He's providing so much physical and financial support that he's drained, and when I need him to listen to me cry over the phone, he can't. At least there is solace in knowing that I'm not the only one who is/has suffered with this issue. Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully I'll be a little more assembled mentally and the Dr. and I can hash out a solution that satisfies both of our needs.

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1 comment:

Susan said...

1st: You are an amazing woman. The strength I see in you is nothing short of inspiring, but I know how empty that inner well of strength can feel when life gets overwhelming. Just remember that you've got friends who are here to support you, no matter the time of day/night, no matter the distance. You have my number. We're both "in". USE ME!!!!:)

2nd: You are an incredible mother -- the kind that I would want my child to have if something ever happened to me. Crying in the kitchen floor because you want to do/be everything for your little boy is proof that you are soooooo cut out for motherhood. Yeah, cows and gerbils can do the physical act of mothering. It's the emotional that (I hope) sets us apart. Just watching Sammy when he watches you is evidence enough for me. He adores you. You are his world. And he doesn't have any of those pre-conceived notions of how things are supposed to be done. As long as you're the one doing it, it's right.

3rd: You are so not alone. Even in the middle of the night. Call me. I may not be coherent, (I'm often not coherent when we're out walking at 11 in the morning!) but I'll answer the phone and I'll listen. I may not have the best advice, but chances are that just by talking through what you're thinking/feeling you'll discover that you have the right answer. (And then I'm gonna hope, hope, hope that when I'm faced with the same crisis I can remember the brillant way you solved it so I can do the same!)

Sorry to hijack your comments... you know me, why use 3 words when I can spin the same response into 103?!