Monday, June 04, 2007

The Highs and Lows of Parenthood (But Really Just the Lows)

On our last day of vacation, we packed Sam up and headed to the zoo. Since he had slept in, Sam still had a little pep in him when we got there just as it was opening. We figured (correctly, I might add) that a few hours romping at the zoo would be a perfect precursor to a gigantic afternoon nap, during which mom and dad could do whatever the hell they pleased. Which meant taking a shower and a nap all of my own while SOB watched the 'good parts' of the third Matrix movie on On Demand. We lead exciting lives, and don't let anyone tell you any different.

Our first zoo stop was the playground. When I take Sam to the zoo there are usually mad amounts of people and kids everywhere, and since I am normally sans Daddy, we tend to skip this area. I get a little twitchy when faced with the idea of parking my stroller, which contains all of my earthly possessions, somewhere kind of far away and then chasing around my toddler through legions of other toddlers. Plus some of those other kids are big and smelly and are out to do my boy harm, I just know it. Well, in the early morning hours of the lord's day, we had the joint all to ourselves. Sam was pleased as punch. He ran from here to there, went on all the slides and drove the big pirate ship thingie with glee.

Then, all of a sudden, he stopped. He clutched the rail of the pirate ship thingie and got a very intense look on his face. With his gaze focused somewhere in the distance, he took a massive poop.

Since we were the only ones there, SOB decided it would be fine to change him on one of the benches nearby. Plus, they even had a hand washing station in the playground area, so we could clean ourselves up afterwards. I got the diaper and wipes from the stroller, and we sought out the most secluded bench in the area. I held his legs while SOB did the dirty work. Once he had Sam all wiped down, he started to apply the new diaper and gave me the dirty one to throw out.

Now those of you out there with kids know that there are several distinct types of poo. We have been lucky in that we've never had to deal with the liquid type. In my world there are two other major categories: the soft sticky types and the hard dry types. Sam has been eating a lot of bananas lately, so this poo fell into the hard, dry category.

SOB hasn't really secured the used diaper, so just as he handed it to me, a few small turds rolled out. I looked down, but couldn't see anything. In some bizarre twist of fate, Sam poo was the exact same color as the wood chips laying on the ground. I knew that in less than an hour this place was going to be teeming with kids climbing and crawling.

I had to find those turds.

I put a wipe in each hand and got down on my hands and knees. I began looking around and feeling the ground gently with my Pampers-protected hands. SOB was still trying to get Sam's pants back on, and was blissfully unaware of the task I was undertaking. Once Sam was dressed, I sent them away so I could search in peace.

It seemed like I was searching for an eternity. I imagined that the people walking by knew exactly what I was doing and were making disgusted faces at us. I was starting to get desperate, and was about to call for SOB when I spotted them. At long last, I happened upon the escaped poo, gingerly collected it in my wipe-covered hands and deposited it in the trash. I then proceeded directly to the hand washing station and lathered up for a good four or five minutes. The rest of the zoo day was without incident.


If you're now having trouble getting the image of a 29 week pregnant woman on all fours looking for turds out of your head, take a gander of this photo I took while at the zoo yesterday. I love lilies and I love butterflies, so imagine how pleased I was when this sweet little insect happened upon this day lily just as I was about to photograph it! Consider it a palate cleanser!

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jenny said...

We've all had those lows---but fortunately, my kids got out of diapers before I started blogging! Have a great day, upright, I hope!

Anonymous said...

We took Jake to the zoo on Sunday morning, too. Didn't see you on all fours, though. I wasn't thrilled about cutting Jake's hair either, but I'm used to the shorter little boy's cut. He's still a good looking kid to me and you will always think the same of Sam.

Alissa said...

Great picture! Isn't it wonderful when it all comes together in that moment before the shutter is pressed?

super des said...

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

christinator said...


Gorgeous picture, though!

susan said...

Ohhhhh, that is too funny! You definitely get "good citizen of the year" points for your diligent turd search!

Amy Jo said...

I know if I stumbled across someone else's feces on the playground, I would be so pissed! I'm just glad I was able to find it all!