Wednesday, June 13, 2007

An Open Letter to Canines and Molars

Dear Teeth -

How are you? Have you been enjoying your subterranean existence so far? I bet it's nice and cozy down there under the gums.

Let's get right to the point, ok? When are you going to make an appearance in my boy's mouth? A few of your buddies have decided to come out and play. While it's true that some of them have been the victims of grinding, and one of them just barely survived a chipping incident, by and large they really like it out here. There's tons of stuff to bite and chew, for starters. You would feature prominently in many of our photographs. And the best part? You would get a twice-daily dose of tutti-frutti toothpaste.

Besides all of the obvious benefits to you, let's talk about some of the benefits for me, shall we? Did you know that I just spent the last hour making some delish beef stir fry? It took so long because after everything was sliced and cooked to perfection I had to puree it and portion the resulting paste into ice cube trays. Do you want to know why I am still pureeing food for Sam at 16 months? It's because you fuckers have decided to lay low and he refuses to eat anything he has to chew more than six times. No molars = no meat that hasn't already been chewed for him, basically.

You do realize that I'm having another baby in two months, right? Where do you think I'm going to find the time to continue with this insanity? So let's just quit with the games, ok? For weeks now Sam has been drooling and chewing his fingers incessantly. I know you're thinking about it. Maybe you're still on the fence. Well, let me help you with your decision. If you decide to play nice and come out before mid-July, I promise I'll do everything in my power to keep you from getting cavities. Sam will start brushing three times a day! Think of all the extra tutti-frutti goodness! Maybe I'll even make him floss. His godfather is a endodontist, you know.

And if you decide to be stubborn and refuse to make an appearance before August? I swear I'll rub molasses all over you every night before Sam goes to bed until you rot yourselves out of our lives forever.

Love forever,

Amy Jo

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Lora said...

Jake's teeth are a bit slow on the uptake too. He got three molars all on one day last week though. No warning no crying no nothing. They were just there. I thought he has paper in the back of his mouth.

Good news is that I'm not pre-chewing his food for him all the time anymore. I never got around to getting a pureer

Amy Jo said...

Hooray for Jake! I hope to god that is how it goes down for Sammy, too.