Friday, September 04, 2009

The Creepy Baby Doll Parade

For Lulu's birthday she received a bunch of baby doll accessories. We got two strollers, a pack-n-play, a swing and a high chair. She didn't get any baby dolls, but in the past we've received a bunch, so I got to work digging them out. Once I saw them all collected together, I realized why I had buried these creatures in the bottoms of toy boxes in the first place.

They are god damned creepy. Wanna see? I'll start off gently.

These two are the most normal of the bunch. Two cabbage patch dolls, one a preemie model and the other one of the 25th anniversary models. Pretty mundane, right? Nothing that would keep you up at night.

Then there is this lady. If I recall from the package, she's supposed to be some sort of Strawberry Shortcake character for tweens. I couldn't get the doll to stand up because her head is so fricking huge she kept tipping over. Weird, but not super scary.

These cheap little numbers were both purchased because of their creepy-ness. 'Nuff said.

This doll was from my grandmother, and doesn't she look sweet? And the purple gingham matched Lulu's dress from her first birthday, which is why my grammy picked it. So why is she included in this creepy baby line-up?

She's reversible. One side: awake! The other side: asleep! This totally threw the kids for a loop.

This doll has antlers. I repeat, this doll has antlers.

And this one has a weird brain swirl coming out of the top of her head. And for some reason, Sam has decided to name this one, and this one only. The name? Carlo. That notches the creepy factor up by about 1000%.

These last two are a bit much, so if you've been sufficiently bugged out by the above dolls, you might just want to stop reading here. They were both purchased by my mother, and I love her for it. She is well aware of my feelings about these doll. Regardless, don't be mad mom! We love you! And even though I feel the need to offer this disclaimer because of the nightmarish qualities of these dolls, you know that they're Lucy's absolute favorites, right? Let's get on with it!

Strange, wide set eyes, mitten hands, and a maniacal giggle button right at her solar plexus. This one will eat you alive.

But wait! What's this? Is it Violet Beauregard just before being rolled to the juicing room? Is it Some sort of science experiment gone wrong? No, it's just the world's creepiest fucking baby doll. See that moldy looking green spot on the hand? When you press it, the whole doll shakes all over and makes a sound like the baby minions of hell might be inclined to make when being tickled with red hot pitch forks. And it goes on FOREVER! Longest. Recorded. Giggle. EVER! I was going to make a video, but I was afraid of losing every reader I ever had to the insane asylum. This one only came out for the photo, and then it got stuffed right back under all of the happy meal toys and junk the kids never play with. Lucy doesn't need to know it exists.

Well, I hoped you've enjoyed this trip through our toy box. I hope you aren't too scarred. I can just imagine all twelve of you sitting in a bare room rocking back and forth muttering, 'Can't sleep. Doll will eat me!' over and over again. Just rest easy knowing these hell beasts live at my house and my house only.

And to those of you with no kids or no dolls? Thank your lucky fucking stars.

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Anonymous said...

These dolls aren't even remotely creepy. I can't imagine any reason they would keep anyone up at night, unless they were backlit by screaming hellspawn, and glowing zombies.

Tracey said...

We used to have battery controlled toys that would come awake randomly as you walked by them, so I pulled all their guts out and tossed out the batteries. It used to scare the crap out of me as I was walking across the house to nurse my daughter in the middle of the night.

Arizaphale said...

Firstly: you have a sense of humour?
Oh well..meh.
As to the dolls. You are jolly lucky you have baby dolls (even if they are kind of weird mutant babies)I went to the cheap shops recently looking for baby dolls that could be easily de-limbed* for 'The Musical' and do you think I could find a baby doll anywhere? NO they are all horrid Bratz replicas. Do children not want to play at mommy anymore? Do they all want to play at 'mommy of a teenager'??????Let me tell you that is NOT A NICE GAME!!!! :-D
*For more info on delimbing dolls and The Musical you will have to wait for the appropriate post.
Thankyou for this walk through your toybox AJ. I for one could use about four of those dolls on or around the 17th and 18th of September. Assuming you never want to see them again.

Megan said...

one word for you: have boys. we had one baby doll that the boys both took very slight interest in when they were toddlers. but in our gender-obsessed society, i never have to worry about our boys receiving creepy dolls as gifts :). weapons, yes.

super des said...

the gingham doll looks like a gunslinger.

Leslie said...

This is so funny. We were looking at old books at my mom's last weekend, and happened upon two I think you'll love [hate], part of
The Lonely Doll series? It's far creepier than the stuff in her toy box!