Tuesday, October 31, 2006

And Now For Something Truly Scary

As I've mentioned earlier, I've been a bit of a downer lately. This is due, in large part, to my unending ambivalence towards this place. It's hard to be happy in a place that you can't form an opinion about. Especially when you know there is a place that give you very strong, positive feelings. To try and fix this, I'm headed back to therapy, which is depressing me even more.

For one thing, I loved my old therapist. But he's in Philly. A part of me really wants to go back to Philly just so I don't have to find new therapists, dentists, eye brow waxers, etc. The reasons I haven't gone back into therapy sooner is because I dread finding a new psychologist. But I digress. I guess it's upsetting to me because I've been out of therapy for a very long time now, and since that time I've been able to handle just about everything that was thrown my way. I put a lot of time and energy (not to mention money) into developing skills to help me through difficult times, and it has served me well. At least, so far.

I just can't seem to wrap my mind around my life for the next 18 months. Every fiber of my being is standing up and screaming 'Take us home!' but my head steps in and mucks everything up. It would be so much better for Dr.'s career to stay here for a little while longer. The questions floating around us involve the toll it would take on me, and therefore our relationship and family. There are desperate times in my past, times which neither one of us wants to revisit. Would staying here for another year or two awaken those emotions in me? I can't say for sure, and that's why I'm seeking out the assistance of a professional. It's scary terrain, and I'm terrified of ending up back there, emotionally speaking.

It's also upsetting because I feel a little bit like I've failed to learn anything from this place, both geographically speaking and personal growth-wise. I've made little effort at getting to know the city, and to enjoy all it has to offer. I feel stunted. I'm trapped here, not knowing anyone or anything, and instead of getting off my ass and doing something about it I just sit around a sigh. And write depressing blog posts about how much I miss Philly.

Well, now that I've probably depressed you, enjoy this shot of Sam in another one of his Halloween costumes. It was cloudy outside and I had my old crapulent camera, but hopefully the baby makes up for it!

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super des said...

Take your cute baby and move back to Philly. I know how hard it is to live in a town that weighs you down like that, and I also know of the wonderful change enacted when you leave. I know you can't leave yet, but I think you should be working towards that goal. If you have the goal in mind, hopefully the interim won't seem so bad.

Susan said...

Agh... this is a tough one. You really have worked hard to make the Atlanta thing work, but it just seems that your heart has never really left Philly. I know that the answer is somewhere within you, as cliche as that sounds. Sometimes it just takes an unbiased listener to help you sort it all out. So good for you for taking charge and getting some help. You don't have to have the answers for the entire 18 months right now... just take it one step at a time and trust that the love of your family is strong enough to survive the battle of emotion vs. the practical. (I firmly believe you need a little of both:)) That being said, when you're ready to balanced out the professional advice with some good, old-fashioned, selfish, biased, totally-based-on-emotion opinions, I'm your girl. And I'll keep the guest room at ready should you need to make a quick trip or two to recharge!

Amy Jo said...

Thanks Ladies. I know this will get better, I just need some patience.

Also, another plus is that if we're back in Philly I can come to NYC and visit you des.