Wednesday, April 08, 2009


I am lucky. Some might even consider me spoiled, but you'd have to take that up with the universe, because no one else could really take responsibility for spoiling me. Why? I have lived my entire adult life without suffering through the loss of someone I love. My cat died about six years ago, and I loved her, but as far as humans go, everyone is present and accounted for. 

Which is probably why I totally lost my shit today when my mom called to tell me that my grandmother, my dad's mother, has cancer. And why I kind of lost my shit last night after hearing that my own mother has some irregular lump in her breast. Scarier still because her mother, my other grandmother, had breast cancer when I was in high school. She lived in Florida at the time, and like I said, I was in high school, so I was able to keep myself physically and mentally removed from the situation at the time. Luckily she survived and is still in good health today.

My problem is that I find my coping ability in these situations to be totally inadequate. I am either a big, messy mess of a person or I am a denial machine. I either weep uncontrollably or I do mountains of laundry. My pillows are in the washing machine right this very moment, but this morning when Sam's balloon string got caught on something and his beautiful orange balloon blew away, we both cried. 

In reality, I knew (know) that no one lives forever. Grandparents are kind of at the top of the list of people who are going to die sooner rather than later. Just since our marriage all three of SOB's grandparents had passed away. I've held the hands of several friends as they said goodbye to their grandparents. 

But another part of me wants to scream 'no fucking fair world! I've gone on this long without having to say goodbye, and you're a real ass hole if you're going to make me start now.' I know she isn't dead yet, but still that's right where my mind goes. 

Juvenile? Of course. It's what I'm best at. I feel like I dealt with my fair share of loss as a child, which is another story that I think I might have touched on before. Rest assured, it was a totally raw deal. I think I should get a pass for another twenty years or so, ok? Long enough for my kids to grow up knowing their great-grandparents, people who have already made their way into those tiny hearts.


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susan said...

{{Hugs}}. I can't think of anything to say that will make it all better, but I am thinking of you and am so sorry for your news. Loss is hard. I'm pretty sure there is no adequate way to cope, though. You just muddle through it, one tear-soaked-and-laundered pillow at a time until you find yourself at a place of peace.

super des said...

Big hugs from someone who's been there.

Arizaphale said...

"I am either a big, messy mess of a person or I am a denial machine. I either weep uncontrollably or I do mountains of laundry."

So you're normal.....