I Haven't Had This Much Fun at a Group Shower Since High School!

Did you know that lots of fine ladies are having babies? That is, besides me of course! In their honor, Catherine, Kristen, Julie and Nancy are hosting a virtual baby shower for Liz, Christina and Tammi, with games and all! Games with prizes! (See, I told you there would be prizes. And I bet you haven’t even clicked over to my new review blog to find out what great prizes await you there, have you silly?)

To help these ladies out, and also for a good laugh, a bunch of blog folks are posting the best, as well as the worst, parenting advice (or ASS-vice in the latter case) that they received while pregnant. Check out the party page for the games (and PRIZES) and for a round up of all the bloggers doling out the wisdom! Also, you might find a photo of your truly when she was only nine months old. Prepare yourself, 'cause I was pretty effing cute. I'm just saying.

Since I was the first in my group of friends and extended family to have a baby, I didn’t get much in the way of tips, smart or not. I met a few lovely ladies while I was knocked up that passed along some gems to me, but it was more of the practical variety rather than earth-shaking revelations. I did, however, dispense some advice to my cousin which walks a fine line between advice and ass-vice if you ask me.

You see, she found out she was pregnant when Sam was merely ten weeks old. The early days of hormonal flux and sleepless nights were still fresh in my brain. The anxiety was still very real to me, even though it had subsided a bit. My mother initially told me the news, and I tried to think of something lovely to say to her the next time I saw her. Despite coming up with a million little things that would have been appropriate, like ‘Congratulations!’ or ‘You’re going to be a great mother!’ the instant I saw her, I grabbed her by the shoulders, looked deep into her eyes and said,

‘No one tells you this, but the first two weeks are going to be the worst weeks of your life.’

It was like I had gone into a trance or something, and when I snapped out of it, I muttered an embarrassed ‘Congrats!’ and left the room.

On one hand, I was a total ass. Here she was, exuberant about her news and I come along and get all Debbie Downer on her. But I truly believed (and still do) that the information I was sharing was valuable. I just should have chosen my words a little better. And started off with a hug and good wishes. No one ever told me how tough it was going to be in the beginning. You might hear countless stories and read in baby books that it’s going to be awful, but unless you hear it from someone you know and love, it’s hard to accept.

So there you have it. Feel free to flame me for my stupidity. Please know that over the course of her pregnancy, I did everything in my power to right my wrong. I also bought her a ridiculous amount of presents, but that's mostly because I love buying baby stuff. Her little girl was born right before Christmas, and she was the sweetest thing right from the get go, so my advice wasn't even useful in this instance.

But be warned, all ye who plan to procreate one day. (If you don't heed my warning, I'll keep talking like a pirate.) There will be some dark days ahead. Fortunately, you'll be so tired during the darkest hours that you likely won't remember them. All you'll be left with is the memories of snuggling together in bed, first smiles and sweet baby smell. How do you think I ended up back in this condition?